This is where I find myself. Caught in the emotional roller-coaster of trying to be a faithful husband, a diligent worker, a strong supporter, a good man, and a present father. I knew it was never going to be easy, but it’s one of those things that nobody can ever truly prepare you for, and sometimes I feel like I missed out completely on my preparation. There are days where I feel like I don’t have a clue what to do or how to cope with something… but then I put on the veneer of having it all figured out and trudge forward because that’s what I know how to do. As far back as I can remember, my mantra was:
…fake it till you make it…
More often than not, it seems like I fall into that I haven’t got a clue frame of mind, but I keep pressing forward even though it weighs heavy on my soul. It’s a heavy burden to try to carry all those personas and still have any semblance of purpose. It feels like you’re just moving forward because it would mean you’re a failure if you don’t. If you fail then that means,
As a husband, you lose a soulmate.
As a worker, you lose a job.
As a supporter, you seem weak.
As a good man, you wind up alone.
As a present father, you sacrifice your childs future.
A few weeks ago, when I hit my metaphorical wall, I could tell that I just had lost track of my direction. I was just angry. I was frustrated with how lost I felt and how off balance I was. I was just at my wits end, and I snapped at Brycen. I usually have a really long fuse, but something about that day just made everything worse. He was crying, but I didn’t really care (I know that sounds uncaring and harsh, but it was genuinely what I felt). I had Brycen finish his lunch then told him that it was nap time and that daddy needed some alone time. He went down for his nap and I was still overwhelmed, so I prayed about it. I sat down for a little less than an hour while Brycen was napping. I sat down and did nothing. No video games. No TV shows. No cell phone. Nothing. I just sat in silence in my basement and had a conversation. It was one sided. I vented. I spoke my mind. I let it all out. I was just there for that hour. In my mind I was just yelling about how much I couldn’t bear being a failure and that I needed more strength to carry my family. I needed more direction to lead my family. I needed more will to maintain my calm at work. I needed so much from God, and I wasn’t being given any of it.
It was the longest hour of silence ever. I didn’t hear anything back. In hindsight, I just wasn’t listening.
I gave up after that hour and went about my day, just figuring that I was just being childish and I needed to man up as society would tell me. I went about my business and just pushed the last hour out of my mind until my son Brycen woke up from his nap. I was sitting in the living room chair watching something on Netflix, he came out and climbed up into my lap and he finished my conversation from earlier. Now mind you, he’s 2 & 1/2, so this was our conversation:
Did you have a good nap little man?
uh-huh, yeah.
What do you want to do today?
*no answer*
Brycen? do you want to play with your trains?
*still no answer*
Brycen, do you want to play cars?
*no answer again*
Are you still tired bud?
no. *matter-of-factly*
You just want to sit here?
uh-huh, yeah.
Okay little man, daddy is a-okay with that.
uh-huh, yeah.
*we sat there for 15 minutes before either one of us said a word*
Daddy. *Brycen pointed at my chest*
yes, Brycen?
Daddy. *pointing again*
yes, Brycen, I’m daddy. do you want to go play now?
No. Daddy. *pointing harder into my chest*
What bud?
Like daddy. Brycen like daddy.
You like daddy?
No. Brycen like daddy too.
You’re like daddy?
uh-huh, yeah.
*this is where he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my chest again*
Brycen like daddy. I love you daddy.
*we just sat there for another 10 minutes with his face buried against my chest before we got up and played with his trains*
If there was ever a time when I could feel my heart just drop. it was right then. Even after shouting at him no more than 3 hours earlier, Brycen came climbing up into my lap and he was telling me that he was just like me. That he wanted to be just like me. I didn’t understand it until later, but in his eyes I am nothing less than everything he wants to be. In all of my fears of inadequacy, my fears of unimportance, my fears of failure, my fears of weakness, my fears of being, well …me – none of that mattered. In Brycen’s eyes, he didn’t see any of that. he knows he can run up to me and I will lift him up and hold him in my strong arms and I won’t let him fall. He can come up to me and know that I’ll look him in the eyes and make him know that he’s important. He can grab my leg and pull me in 18 different directions and I’ll just go with it. He can sit on my lap and wrap my arms around him and know that he’s safe. He answered all those questions that I was shouting towards God. He reminded me that I am more than adequate to be called his Father. If he thinks that I’m good enough to be that, then I must be good enough for everything else that I feared I may not be.
It’s always going to be a struggle, our society puts so much focus on being the best and never having faults. But we are all flawed. Deeply. To our cores, we are flawed. Every single one of us. But we strive for fullness, we strive for healing because that is what our Father God is. He is fullness. He is faithful. He is diligent. He is strong. He is good. he is present even when we can’t always hear Him there.
Being a present father has always been one of my biggest fears. My father wasn’t, and I promised myself I would be there, but it was always fear that I couldn’t lay down. Until Brycen reminded me that I could, but it’s a daily task of laying it all down at the foot of the cross, and lifting it all up to our saviour Jesus Christ.
Come to me, all you who
are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest.
– Matthew 11:28
So daily, I try to lay it down. I don’t always succeed, but nevertheless I owe it to my family and to myself to rest on his strength and not my own.